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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

  • Banwara..bhavra...

    The heart lurches in the case emaciated.
    It manages to rip the rib and jump out.
    Like those comics it manages a few meters.
    And then gravity - grave & reality show up.
    And thwack!

    Its grounded.

    I pick it up.

    Dust it.

    scold it.

    Berate it.

    Rub up the rough bruised edges with chocolate.

    And with another warning.
    Put it back inside the cage.

    Then again.
    Its Autumn. Its favorite season.
    Its starts jumping.
    Its wounds almost healed. Its bruises forgotten against the comforting nip in air.
    And then it gathers the strength to lurch again.

    But moron!

    The grave reality again.

    And THWACK!

Saturday, 29 August 2009

  • Choices

    As usual..you are always debating time and again. If it is the right choice day in and day out.

    Did I eat right? Is the bangle right. Did I say the right thing? Did I do right? Am I doing right by bunking my class to go to my karigar?

    Am I right in doing random things which are not paying much? 

    And somehow every single day I ask myself a question...did I do right in quitting the corporate world?

    It’s been a yr now that I moved back home to a not so sorted life. To a freelancers life. I think I have done more fun crazy things and had more fun in this one yr than I could’ve imagined. I mean I had a lot of fun in the yr and half I spent in Delhi...but I feel intelligent and peaceful in my current situation. There is no agitation. No disappointments. 

    Yet I ask again and again.

     

    Yesterday was a tough tough day for me. We were going to shoot on Friday (today) and on Tuesday, the photographer and me brainstormed and came up with some amazing fashion concepts. I went home and slept on it...by morning my looks were defined and distinguished in my head. Then just before I was going to go shop I got a call from him and he had changed the concepts (lack of funds) I went into a complete tizzy. My realllllly close friend was down from the US and he called to catch up. Went to meet him. Then realised I wanted to make something for him. He asked me for something very specific. After that I went to my class and then sourcing. By Wednesday night I had a few outfits but no looks in my head.

    Thursday was a bummer. I was woken up early morn by dad. I woke up with a start. My grandmother had suffered a heart attack in the morn at 7. And it was 8.15 I got the news. She was hospitalised and in the ICU. My dad was asking me to book flight ticks for my mom.

    It was surreal. I was booking ticks but couldn’t stop crying. My grandmom. 

    By 10 we came to know that she was stable. But still. Then there was the remaining work left for the shoot. I went off to source again. Still contemplating still morose. The store guys were sweet and co-operative. One of them was asking me if he could assist me. And I realised again how easy I got to do this. What I am doing. And then the question again.

    After sourcing I realised either I can do my friends gift or go to my French class. I donno why I chose to do the gift. So I went. I went to remote part of the city to source something as specific as what he had asked for. I walked in the sun with so much weight on me. To find something which would satisfy me to make the perfect gift. Then I went to my karigars. And on my way I was wondering. Did I do right? Did I do right? 

    At the shop I realised I had quit corporate life for this. Did I do right?

    In the cab I realised I went that extra mile for someone. Did I do right?

    Later in the night. Tired, haggard, confused and sad...I came across a note written by a friend. The last line changed... cleared me up.

    "And just like that what was fuzzy was clear again, you choose to be where it makes a difference if you're not."

     

Monday, 03 August 2009

  • Humdrum.

    When you realise that patterns are things you dislike and yet good things become a pattern. What do you do?
    See thats what I am facing these days.
    So I feel at peace. Extremely laid back. Lack inspiration; but have so much introspection so much more to think about.So much activity sometimes and so much inactivity.
    But what puzzles me is that I take everything with joy. There is this college kid optimism which makes me thread the next day and my cynical self just doesnt seem to surface cause it just seems to have been oushed into oblivion. Things feel good so I guess they are.
    Am I comfortable? hell ya.
    Am I too comfortable? hell ya!
    Do I think it is good for me in the long run? Hell no.
    Then why am I just going with the flow and not kicking up a storm? I wish I knew.
    And if only wishes were horses.
    ****************************************************************************************
    The other day I went for some work to town. Decided to take a bus. There was none for 40 mins one of the few times when BEST has failed me but then I cudnt wait more and decided to take a train. Reached my destination in time. After finishing the work I decided to explore a bit. So went to a store I wanted to check out. Came out a bit more intelligent. Then decided to take a bus back home. So I got onto the bus whose end destination was where I live. I got onto it. And then realised it kept taking a turn in the opposite direction of what I thought it would ideally take! So instead of taking an expected right, it would take a left!
    I was kinda baffled. Then the bus went through areas which I had visited earlier but never realised the true proximity of those locations. The bus ride was a slow one. I saw so much. Had the most amazing visual experience. Heard. Really heard the music in the my ears oblivious to the people around me. And then the bus dropped me near my house but it was a walk home. I walked. I liked the walk. I came home tired and hungry but satiated and happy. I slept well.
    I dont know what life holds for me. But if it is anything like this bus journey then I am willing to just sit and wait for the destination to arrive.
    Too passive? Too spontaneous? Too destiny oriented? I dont know. I just wanna be happy in the end. Like every body else.

Monday, 20 July 2009

  • My silly theories!

    So after months, my dad comes home and for once all four of us are together. As yuppie sundays go we decide to go to bandra via the sealink.
    We reach Bandra in about 20 mins decide to dinner on junk at elco arcade and are generally having a good time as a family after....actually I dont remember the last time as a family we went out and had a good time.
    Then my younger brother starts with a big of nag tone and he starts getting irritated and generally starts behaving like a total jerk with me.
    I get upset. By the time we reach home the 'great outing' was not so great anymore.
    I got into thinking about families...more often then not, most families are actually made up of distinct personalities.
    to describe mine.
    My mother is the eldest of four siblings. Having lost her father at the age of 16 she got married early at 19 yrs and had me soon after. She is extremely pious and religious and believes in 'duty', usually feels unaapreciated in her efforts. Tends to be a nag, very loud and suffers from cleaning OCD. She wants things to be done her way so much so that if by mistake I express my desire to cook she starts of with the do's and dont's. In the process making me look like a total nincompoop. Actually I think she is probably the one responsible of projecting her daughter as an antithesis of an ideal daughter to the world. Clearly we are poles apart.
    My dad was born to a small time farmer, one of the 7 siblings- 3 sons, 4 daughters. My dad was educated away from family. He lapped up the opportunities presented to him and I am very proud to say that he is truly a self made man. My dad is sort of logical and easy going in his thinking and ways. May come accross as lax too sometimes...however, when it looks like an attack to his stature there comes out the anger and sometimes violent anger. I feel my mom is a nag from his point of view cuz he seldom seems to get things right accroding to her.
    How they have lived together for so long is beyond me.
    But having said that I think to them life beyond family, or beyond each other isnt a possibility. Their upbringing or values perhaps ensure that the D word is a phenomenon of the wrong society. Not theirs of course.
    My brother is younger than me. We have a difference of 3 yrs between us. While growing up he was a shy kid but extremely cute to look at. Growing up in Mumbai that shyness dissapeared and he slowly went on to become a master of ceremonies. Dont get me wrong. He isnt the loud one at a party, he is the quietish guy who ensures the loud one makes a scene and then guffaw about it to the world. Which means that my brother is adept at guaging peoples buttons. This talent of his I believe developed while he was growing up especially with his trials and errors on me.
    Now he is a grown man. He has started working. He has a girlfriend. And he paints a picture of an ideal son making me look bad all the time.
    Why making me look bad. So here comes about me in my family set up.
    When I was a child I was this hyperactive skinny kid who was always running around and usually upto no good. I was stubborn as hell. Got a lot of thrashing while growing up and also got into stupid situations like once I managed to get my head stuck between iron railings. I was also good at studies and extremely talkative. The qualities which led me to be very popular in school since I was a straight A student who did everything.
    There was nobody who could get to me. Except my brother. As kids and like most siblings do...we fought a lot. Physical verbal you name it we did it. 
    After a point when he started growing taller and bigger than me I started to back off and usually indulged in verbal assault than physical.
    Anyhow, My brother ends up going away for a good five yrs for college and me go away mostly on work. 
    What hasnt changed is his knack of finding my buttons.

    Getting back to what happened on saturday evening. My brother started off and I didnt care for a good 50 mins and after that I got irritated. 
    Not at him. But generally at the situation. Is it so difficult to have a good time as a family. Without one element of nasty?
    I mean is it that difficult to be non unpleasant for a couple of hours with a general purview of everybody 'having' a good time?
    Then I wondered what is it about families?
    I mean everybody is different. There is so much unpleasantness on a daily basis actually but yet people call it a unit. Why?
    I do believe that all relationships reach a plateau at some point or the other. Wherein its either downhill or a point of no return.
    I am still thinking about what keeps it together. Maybe ther will be an edit on this...But till then..I shall be contemplating.

Monday, 29 June 2009

  • 'sup

    I have been getting overwhelmed a lot lately.
    Its like daily there is a drama which is played by me, my mother (who incidentally after years I am spending as much time with) the weather, the different people, their dynamics which sometimes sway the humdrum my life doesnt seem to be getting into.
    So I get overwhelmed every time the clouds create this canvas on the seas. I get overwhelmed when I look out into the vast expanse of the city hanging in front of me. If i move an inch..would something change in the magnanimity, I question that...all the time. 
    So when I see the beauty, the larger than life-like quality of the view, I develop tears. So I watch and I soak in all that is far and wide. Because I know not how I came to be a part of all this. 
    Then I get overwhelmed at how little I seem to be doing rather making, but I get overwhelmed at how enlightened I feel. I feel generally very peaceful but then I read an article yesterday about dreams. And I usually see myself falling or being chased. Sometimes Ive woken up violently with these dreams.
    so these dreams aparently are intrepreted as my id telling my ego- that hey you are disrespecting yourself. that you are not living upto wht you expect from urself.
    I am reading a lot of this and that, I feel insatiatiated in my urge to lap up. 
    My designs are getting gutted in my head.
    I just feel crazy stupid to take steps. Ironic coming from me cuz I seem to just jump anyways. But my rational brain almost always gives me silly excuses and I dont know...my emotions and feelings seem to control my work behavior. 
    I was reading on Oprah's positivity blog about how to get things done. And it says to not to listen to feelings and let it not interfere into what you have to do.
    i wonder if I am a different breed. I go back to few of my previous entries and I think what I realise is my inability to control my feelings or urges in channelising my energy towards tasks which need to be accomplished.
    I seem to question the need to do something all the time.
    Anyways.The pressure mounts. its like a big marriage bell gonging away everytime u wake up late, when you have an icecream or a pizza...and as the birthday date approaches.
    I lead on. How I shall make it and how it will all turn out and where will I be in a couple months...I have absolutely no clue.
    But I do know that no two days are the same and I like that. I like that I footloose and fancy free. And I like that I can be as expressive as I choose to be.
    Now. I seek the future.

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  • nikhil_bindaas
    yeah i read ur profile.. i think we'll go to mae be !! :P
  • nikhil_bindaas
    hey!! no msgs for u yet?? not fair! so how u been?? hows the job?? heard u're kicking ass at it!!